Misplaced Modifiers and Invisble Dildos
Title: Misplaced Modifiers and Invisible Dildos
Authors: Campylobacter and dvfan
Warnings: graphic if hilarious sex, group sex, het sex, slash, foul language, misplaced modifiers, excessive use of euphemisms, blatant overuse of clichés, oh and it may squick
Disclaimer: Seriously, we won’t be profiting from this and the characters are public domain anyway.
Authors’ Notes: This piece of badfic was inspired by some truly amusing unintentionally badfic that I discovered and shared with campylobacter. We began this collaboration for our own amusement and then thought it was bad enough to share. Be warned.
Samantha the Major was so tired of being wet for the Colonel that she decided she had to take things into her own hands figuratively speaking of course she had taken things into her own hands literally quite a bit. So she wrote him a letter to let him know that she was seriously needed in him.
Dear Sir, (she was afraid that using the salutation "To Whom It May Concern" wasn't sexy enough)
Enclosed herewith please find a photo of me in a red, white, and blue lingerie with stars on it in good taste that I hope you will consider.
I am writing to let you know that the letter I am composing is penned solely for the purpose of correspondence to convey my meaning. If all the attempts to prove Fermat's last theorem were complied into one really big proof, they still would not prove how I feel about you. I think you can guess.
I have an invisible dildo that I call Jack. It is invisible because it is made of glass that is clear and you cannot see what it is right away because it is clear. It is made of borosilicate glass, which is very extremely unbreakable. I will refrain from explaining the scientific composition of it because it is not sexy to you but it is sexy to me. And helps me go to sleep at night.
Except lately, because it would feel like cheating on you even though I named it Jack.
When he got the letter, Colonel Jonathan (Jack) O’Neill was at his desk finger it over and over in his fingers and confused so he wrote to speed up the clarity.
Do ya wanna fuck me or the damn dildo? Cuz you gotta know that the sight of your sweet ass everyday is giving me wood. That's why I'm wearing my shirt untucked for fuck's sake. Knowing now that your pussy is wet and waiting for me is gonna drive me crazy. So get your ass to my place at 19:00 tonight. Bring the dildo. That's an order.
Sam read the colonel's response to her letter with her heart beating
in her mouth and her pussy wet with wetness. He had even signed it
"Col. J. O'Neill", which meant that he respected her.
Where was her darn dildo? Holy Hannah, it had been weeks since she had pleasured herself with it, and now she had forgotten where she left it.
Sometimes she pleasured herself with the invisible dildo on the dining
room table, where she sometimes fantasized Jack making come to her,
but it was not in the fake fruit bowl.
Sometimes she pleasured herself with it against the dryer in the
laundry room, because it was warm and vibratey, but it was not in the
Where could it have gone to be?
Samantha squealed with excitement when she remembered the last time she had pleasured herself with the invisible dildo. "Oh thank god," she bubbled as she pulled it from the chocolate icecream container, "I thought I'd lost you forever." Cleaning it off was more challenging given the fact that it disappeared once the chocolate had been licked off. "Oh dear," Samantha said in frustration before grabbing a Sharpie and writing "My Dildo" on its transparent length. "There now," she smiled, "You won't run away on me again.
Colonel J. O'Neill stood naked, hard and at full attention in the doorway at 18:59:30 calm and resolute. It would be difficult to maintain the salute if his cock began to soften from lack of attention. She'd better be punctual. They had synchronized their watches after the last mishap on P3X-327 so it shouldn't be a problem.
It was 19:00:02 by the time Major Samantha Carter of the United States Air Force knocked on the door of her commanding officer's door at his home. "Just in time," she sighed, patting the pocket of her BDU trousers where "My Dildo' (also named Jack) rested safely. It had taken forever for her to decide what to wear, but remembering that her CO liked the look of her ass in military pants, she decided that olive drab pants and a pink t-shirt with ducks on it (tasteful, realistic mallards, not sleazy yellow rubber duckies) would send him over the edge when he took off her clothes and saw the red, white, and blue lingerie underneath.
"YOU'RE LATE! What the fuck took you so long?" shouted the colonel when he yanked open the door. "I said 1900, and it's…"
"1900, on the dot," Samantha replied, almost speechless at the sight of him stark naked, holding his swollen, red cock dripping with mouths full of pre-come.
Col. J. O'Neill quickly brought himself back to full attention with one hand and saluted with the other. "Carter get that hot ass out of those fucking hotpants and assume the hot position." She dropped them to the floor revealing both her stars and her stripes. "Fuck I love a patriot," he growled and stroked his leaking ten-inch monster of a penis that was dripping with enough pre-come to have made a puddle on the floor.
Samantha motioned to remove her shirt. "Halt! Leave the duckies on. It'll feel like an orgy!" he said loud. "Assume the position cadet..."
"Sir! Yes sir!" Major Samantha Carter had an auto response when a superior officer her commanding officer Col. J. O'Neill commanded her. She to her knees slightly to the left of the pool of hot come but towards the right side of her CO because she was facing him and otherwise it wouldn't make any sense.
"Suck my dick Private!"
"Why did I bring "My Dildo"? Did you have a reason for demanding it?" she wasn't sure why he ad demanded it and was confused.
"You will fuck yourself with it while I fuck your mouth and when it is wet with your slick wet juices you will fuck me up my tight ass until I blow."
"Won't that hurt you Colonel Jack Sir?"
"I have Dr. Daniel Jackson you remember him has pre-softened and loosened my rectal canal for just this purpose. I have been pre-lubricated for your dildo with my own lubrication which was purchased months ago for my own special use and which Daniel is well known to."
Samantha did remembered Dr. Daniel Jackson, because he was the gentle archaeologist she loved and thought of as a sister to herself, knowing that he thought of her as a brother to himself even though he had no family now besides SG-1 after loosing his wife to the tragic death of the Abydonian woman's passing away. But she was too horny now to think of Daniel slamming his gentle, caring meatpole of manhood into her beloved colonel's tender, moistened hole when all she wanted now was to suck Colonel O'Neill's throbbing cunt-banger of love.
She gazed adoringly into the colonel's eyes from beneath her long lashes and beautiful blue eyes the color of really expensive jewels.
"I've never done this before, Sir," she smiled shyly. "You're so big. Not as big as Teal'c, but pretty big, like a microphone." Her wet, hairy taco was wet with anticipation for the dildo ("My Dildo"/"Jack") and she hoped the ink from the marker wouldn't give herself a yeast infection.
"Jaaack?" she supposed that was Dr. Daniel Jackson her sister senses felt goeey calling.
"Dannyboy I just going come into the hot mouth of Major Samantha Carter my 21C and then you can fill my love hole with that enormous rod of hot fiery penisy goodness of yours."
"Okaay Jaack but can I stroke my lubed rod with my hand that is lubed with lube while I wait?"
Samantha inserted "My Dildo Jack" into her dripping slash and moaned, "Colonel Jack I am inserting "My Dildo Jack" in my hot slash of delight.
"Lips front and center Major Carter." She put her lips to the front and centered them on his turgid tumulence of pre-come covered penis.
"Your penis is turgid and wet Sir!" She was very sexy and throaty with her own desire which was dripping on the floor as well. She put her mouth on his bulbous head and licked around it while she inserted her invisible dildo in time.
"Oh yeah Carter. Jus' like that! Oh yeah that's what is good for me to feel on my hard cock. Oh baby yeah."
"Jaaack? Jaaack? I want you to fuck me while she fucks you with her invisible dildo that you told me that she had brought. Don't you dare come. I need you so baaaadly Jaaack."
"Fuck me Daniel that sounds good too." The colonely Colonel bent down and lifted the trembling duck covered Samantha to her feet and motioned himself towards his bedroom.
"Colonel? Daniel is like my sister to him. I can't see him naked and hard with himself up your ass. It would be unusual and I do not like unusual things unless I can put them under a microscope and I don't think this will be possible."
"Daniel is part of my package Carter. Suck me and you suck him. Fuck me and he fucks you too. Besides he's like my son and fatherhood is often unusual in cases like these you know. He's a hot mother-fucker and he sucks my cock for me and fucks me in my ass daily when I need it daily and doesn't when I don't." It was a lot to say in the short steps to his bedroom and they were in before he finished and then she saw her pseudo sibling on the big giant enormous bed that was on the floor with her jaw.
Samantha Carter’s nipples hardened and her walls throbbed wetly when they beheld the site of Daniel Jackson’s anatomical superiority.
Dr. Daniel Jackson who was an archaeological and masterful linguist purred like a Egyptian manx cat. “Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?” licking his lips and stroking his shaft while pinching his nose with his fingers before wrapping himself up in his own arms and looking at her with hungry lashed and heavily lidded lusty eyes.
Samantha’s blue eyes that were large and blue locked onto his equally largish and totally bluish blue orbs and chemically they were totally in the same place.
“Um, permission to speak freely Colonel O’Neill?” she asked in a very shaky and throaty husky voice.
“At ease Major it’s just the three of us and you are holding my dick in your slippery little hand after all.”
“Sir I would like to state for the off the record record that I no longer feel that Daniel is like a brother to my sister. I have the need to sit on his face and suck on his enormous pink Popsicle of desire while he pleasures me with his cunning linguistic tongue of magic.
“Jaaack….can she do that pleeese?”
“Yasureyoubetcha Dannyboy but only if I can stick her invisible dildo in her engorged pussy and fuck her at the same time.”
Major Samantha Carter was momentarily ill at ease uncomfortably hot and blushing red scarlet. “Sir I think it is best that I relate to you that I am currently in love with you but…”
“But you want to fuck my Dannyboy too?”
“Yes sir Jack my love”
“Baby we all want to fuck Danny and it’s a good thing you are okay with it because he will be my love toy forever. You are my love of my life girl toy but you will need to fit yourself in the middle.”
“S'asseoir sur mon bébé de visage bébé,” was Daniel’s French instruction because everyone knows that French is the language of threesomes Ménage à Trois.
Samantha crept cautiously toward the enormous Daniel at the bed. As she was still stroking the colonel’s love sword he followed her. Daniel sat himself up on his legs and firm tight little bum which was naked and white against the darkish sheets. “God Danny what you do to me,” the Colonel licked his lips and fingers through Daniel’s goldeny brownish mane of soft shortish hair with sideburns. Then he brought his lush full lips onto Daniel Jackson’s lusher and fuller lips and pressed him into kiss. Their tongues slid around themselves in a passionate slide.
“God Daniel I think I’m going to orgasm,” Samantha squealed and was fucking herself with “My Dildo” hard and fast. “That thing you are doing with the Colonel’s tongue is making me come now!”
Daniel broke the kiss and pulled her to his lushness and kissed her deep and warm and then she came on him and then she started to suck him and then the Colonel back and forth and even together.
"Holy shit, Carter, I respect you so so much," moaned Col. O'Neill.
"Moi aussi ma petite frere," groaned the linguist with her coming.
"But I respect her more because she is my 21C," growled the Colonel, yanking her by her pretty damp honey-color hair and breaking her kiss with his (not) sister and fwapped her face with his colonel-flavored fuckstick with a fwapping sound: fwap fwap fwap.
"Jaack, aw Jaaack, you're so sexy when you do thaat," whined Daniel Jackson. "Please let me plug your chocolate tunnel with my baloney pony that Major-Doctor Carter has sexily lubed with her salvia."
"Fuck yeah I like that," said the Colonel of SG-1 erotically to his archaeologist as he put it in and out. "Put on that bush hat too, my Spacemonkey. It makes you look erotic."
So he did, and Sam came again when her dildo was pumping in a throbbing manner while Col. J. O'Neill sucked on her beautiful breasts through the ducts on her pink t-shirt leaving a wet spot that looked like she was the winner of a wet t-shirt contest with the star-spangled lingerie.
"Jaaack, I'm coming," said Daniel, pumping his best like an oil pump up and down in a steady rhythm when it is drilling for oil.
"That's it, Danny," groaned the commanding officer facedown on the bed with his face between Samantha's ducts and his ass in the air getting drilled like an oil field by an archaeologist who is good at digging artifacts. "Who's your daddy?"
“You are…you are…” Samatha and Daniel panted in hot unison.
Daniel collapses onto Jack’s back as he finished coming out of his ass slipping wildly. “Oh Jaaaack, you beautiful old man. Let me fuck you with Samantha’s dildo while you fuck her with your hot and erect love probe.”
“Daniel likes to fuck me with a dildo Major Carter it that’s okay in that I promised that pleasure to you but now I find my need to fuck in your warm pussy has belayed that order.”
“Oh Sir that’s a good thing because I could not reach your hot bum while I have your hot dart of love darting in and out of me. Yes! Like that! Fuck me with your gigantic clit tickler. Pound me with your thunderbolt. Harder sir! Harder sir! Yes yes like that my Colonel love it love it so good.”
Daniel Jackson was stroking his newly rigid penis with one hand that was not sliding “Jack” in and out of Jack’s rectal cavity. “Dannyboy that is so fucking good. Please continue to stroke my prostate with the invisible dildo until I scream in passion and empty my sac into the Major.”
“Oh DanielColonelJackSir, I’m gonna come so hard all over and again,” Samantha screamed and hissed through her teeth and came hard all over.
“Jack you are going to come in Samantha while I stroke my love hammer and your prostate. That’s so hot,” Daniel shouted to be heard over the moan-making of the other people. And then they all came except for Daniel who enjoyed himself too.
The Colonel tossed the glass cucumber on the floor and rolled off of Samantha Carter and she was filled with sighing soft. “Well kiddies, that was sweet!”
“Indeed,” a velvety first prime like voice echoed in the sweat stained room.
“T’ealc!” the three lovers shouted quiet in the semen soaked darkish sheets of Jack’s gigantic porn filled bed. Samantha came all over herself as she gazed up through her soft lashes at his slick chocolate éclair that was hard and leaky.
The colonel was hard again instantly due to his black ops training he had learned to shoot first and then quickly be ready to shoot again. Daniel licked his dry pouty lips and quickly replaced his hat with his bandana since he like when T’ealc called him bandanny.
"Bandannyjackson, indeed you were most pornographic indeed positioned thuswise behind Coloneljackoneill's glistening buttocks leaking ArchaeologicalSemen from his rectum onto Majorsamanthacarter's ducks, indeed." Rumbled Te'alc in his low, rumbly voice that was deep and sexy.
With that, the powerful Jaffa curled into a fetal position on the floor and mewed fetchingly in invitation.
"Hot damn," whooped the Colonel, jumping off the bed and wraps himself around the former FirstPrimeOfApophis. "I fucking love to cuddle!"
"Me too!" screamed Doctor Jackson, dogpiling them with his leaking erect erection and himself.
"Hey, leave some Jaffa for me," pouted Sam, arranging her lingerie and pink shirt before squeezing herself into a gap between her teammates.
They rolled around on the floor suckin and rubbin each other until they looked like an alien technology device with eight arms and legs spraying jism all over Jack O'Niell's bedroom by the mouthful, which was buckets and buckets.
Not surprisingly it was Jack who was the first to speak after the melee of comings. This was not surprising because he was the leader of SG-1 and he was also the only one who didn’t have anything in his mouth. Daniel was sleeping and sucking his thumb rather too erotic for normal thumb sucking and make Teal’c moan into Samantha’s mouth.
“Well, I for one need a shower before we start round 2.”
“Mon très cher partenaire dans faire d'amour, je vous participerai la douche aussi. J'aime voir les gouttelettes d'eau glissant en bas la fente de votre âne avant que je les prends avec ma langue,” (My very dear partner in love making, I will join you in the shower as well. I love to see the droplets of water slide down the crack of your ass and then catch them with my tongue) Daniel had removed his thumb to say that and reached for the hands of the outstretched colonels.
“Baby, I don’t know what the fuck you just said but come on.”
“Mmmmm….” Teal’c mmmmed before pulling off Samantha’s lips with a pop and a slurping wet sucking sound. “Indeed it does BandannyJackson. But I believe I will continue to fornicate myself with the lovely MajorCarter who as I requested will have pulled off her ducks and symbolic rendering of your country’s pride emblem.”
“Oh Teal’c! You have sacrificed so much for my homeworld….can I finger your pouch?”
Meanwhile this had been going on, Daniel and Jack his lover but not his CO because Daniel was a civilian and suffered from a form of a problem labeled sarcasticoppostiontoauthority or SOTA which really didn’t stop him from enjoying making noises while Jack sucked him in the shower and he was moaning. He ran his hand through the grayish silvery brown hair of his friend mentor and the water was flattening it.
“Jack my god and that is good,” he mewled in between French words for god, and good which are Mon dieu and bon and then screaming ‘Me lecher!” over and over which means something lick me. It was very good to hear and Jack was wet and hard on his head and dick.
“Dannyboytoy, I want to fuck you while I am both wet and hard and you have are too.”
“Oooooohh Jaaaaaaaaack…….I am so hard for you but I want to fuck too….”
Suddenly the erect Jaffa and the naked and flushed Major opened the shower, or rather swooshed back the shower curtain which was like a shower door but it wasn’t and water started totally making the wet to them now too.
“You are most desireable indeed JackO’Neill. I will insert myself into your freshly laundered behind you indeed.”
“And I will fuck that hot little puckered lovehole of Daniel’s at the same time.”
“I’m gonna come hard that’s for sure Jaaaaaack….”
“ColonelTeal’cDaniel,” Major Samantha Carter the physicist was busy calculating the physics of the idea and pouting with it too, “I wanna be fucked again too”
“No room in the shower sweetie,” Daniel groaned and said while his mentor’s hot dick was inserted now. “I want you on my dick too…Jaaaaaaack, why can’t she get on my dick?”
Colonel O’Neill pondered it and then said, “Can you calculate an effective position with your hot physicist’s mindset Major?”
“Slide out now and then in the bed again…you will see that I have figured out how now.”
She was soon lying on the bed with an archaeological tool up her pussy moaning.
“Now you kneel behind him and poke it in hard please Jack it will feel good for Daniel and he needs it bad,” she purred all silkily like soft silky silk.
“How’s that my lover Daniel?” the Colonel was asking in pants.
“I am totally gonna come from this Jaaaack that is so fucking fantastique.”
“I will now take you from behind if you lean onto the plugged DaneilJackson,” the velvet teddybear purred into him like a cat except a bear. The Jaffa slipped into O’Neill’s premoistened hole and grunted like a real bear instead of a stuffed one because he was the only one not stuffed.
“I am so totally gonna come from this. Okay kiddies…..are we all on board?”
“CHOOCHOOOO,” Daniel began.
“Chuggachugga my loves…ooohhh I love all of you let’s all get married and do this all the time….” Samantha chugga’ed.
They rocked like a train only without tracks and kind of just back and forth not forward like they were going anywhere.
But they all were certainly all coming together and alone. And it was the greatest ride of Samantha Carter’s life because she was the new one and a girl and he others had ridden on this particular train before and now.
Hathor observed them insidiously from an insidious remote lab through the camera she had inserted invisibly into the invisible dildo Jack. "Drat! We have been foiled again and I am tired of having no visuals since the device has been inside holes all day. And I have clearly misjudged the loyalty of my beloved. She tapped her metal bikini top in idle anger. “Now We shall never learn the true whereabouts of Ba'al's Time Machine. We shall exact revenge upon that lying whore Qetesh. Jaffa kree! Prepare the wrestling arena for Us with 50 litres of blue Jell-O."